I'm a Recipe Developer, But I Struggle to Cook for Myself
My husband's not here. Five weeknight dinners that kept me from ordering pizza.
I’m so glad you’ve stopped by. I’m Leslie, an enthusiastic home cook who loves making dishes that delight others. I am particularly fond of Turkish food, no-knead breads, and meals that hold memories. Most of all, I love sharing them with you!
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I walked into my apartment on Monday night after a 12-hour travel day. I knew I was coming home to a quiet place…at least, as quiet as it gets in NYC. I had just spent a week at my parents’ house, honestly, to avoid the loneliness. My husband, Bulut, is out of town for two weeks. He is an assistant teacher at a storytelling workshop on myths, legends, and folktales. (Would you believe me if I told you that his kindness surpasses his coolness?)
Meanwhile, my solitude put me right into a story of my own. It’s one I haven’t quite figured out yet, mostly full of questions.
Why do I cook?
Who is it for?
I kept thinking about what recipe to share this week, and while I have a long list, nothing felt quite right. I couldn’t stop thinking about sharing those dishes with Bulut. So I decided to not put too much pressure on myself. Instead, I wanted to focus on how I was actually going to feed myself this week, knowing I’d be a little sad and less excited about cooking.
I thought this would be a fun challenge, figuring out meals for one and sharing them with you. But it wasn’t, not at first.
I tried to create a meal plan, as I usually do, but I kept hitting a wall. Nothing sounded that exciting to eat by myself. The funny thing is, I create our meal plans by myself anyway. I often ask for Bulut’s input, and usually it’s pretty brief—he’ll suggest one dish or one vegetable. It’s fine by me. I like to be able to design our menu for the week.
At first I was a little annoyed that I couldn’t just make a damn meal plan for myself. But then I realized, it’s not shocking at all. Bulut, and really, my love for him, give me a reason to cook interesting things.
My first foray into cooking independently was when I was nine--I wanted to cook a dinner for our family. It was not just about the food or the creative outlet (I’m quite sure I was following a recipe with my mom). Cooking for others was a way to connect, a way to not just say, but show, “I love you.” Undoubtedly, this had something to do with being the baby of the family. I had some desire to show that I could take care of others, and even, spark joy in them. Cooking has often felt like a natural avenue into that.
I’ve known this for a while, but some clearer words came to me this week: Cooking and food are my medium. Love is my purpose.
Is that cheesy? You know what, don’t answer that. It’s true to me.
I knew that if I ate my easy sustenance meals (eggs, chicken sausages, and frozen vegetables) for an entire week, I would be doing myself a disservice. If cooking homemade food is about love and connection, then I owed those to myself, too.
I took this as an opportunity to really cook for myself, nothing complicated or elaborate, but meals that involved more than reheating some frozen things. It wasn't because I felt like cooking, but because I knew eating balanced, interesting meals would make me feel physically better, and that physical wellness would translate, or at least not exacerbate, my mental state. An act of self love, you might say.
I finally scribbled out a meal plan. I included a few comfort dishes, like Turkish beans and gyoza (yes, they were frozen). There was a little experimentation with chicken thighs, and I revisited a shrimp recipe that I’ve been slowly working on.
I tried to eat at the dinner table without my phone. It was quiet and uncomfortable at first, but I knew a screen would just numb the sadness and discomfort of my loneliness. So, I just sat with those feelings.
As the week went on, things started changing. Sitting in silence, I could pay more attention to the food, particularly when I ate crispy chicken thighs with salsa verde. I didn’t have a concrete reason for choosing that dish, it just popped into my head. When I took a bite, it sang in my mouth, and I actually felt some relief that I could feel this joy in eating alone. The vegetal parsley, tangy lemon, salty capers, spicy pepper flakes and sharp garlic, all carried in peppery olive oil. Wow.
I did think shortly after, “I need to make this for Bulut.” What can I say? Old habits die hard (and I don’t have any desire to rid myself of such thoughts.)
But before that, I really did just sit in a moment of delight, glad I’d gone through the effort of making it for myself.
The week ended on a brighter note. I was able to have lunch with my brother yesterday, and tonight I’ll make dinner for him and his fiancée. They’re some of my favorite people to share food with.
I know that I didn’t answer my initial questions with any concrete clarity. I didn’t finish this story. And maybe, that’s the beauty of pursuing your passion. I can keep leaning into different whys. Showing love through sharing food will always be a strong undercurrent of my cooking. This week, my purpose was to feed myself and practice self-love. There was a bit of struggle and some discomfort. All of this (motions upward) that came up. But in the end, I’m glad that I did it.
Alright, let’s get into the food!
These meals didn’t have long prep times, but they had enough charm to keep me interested. I did one grocery shop at the beginning of the week so I wasn’t overcoming that hurdle every day, and fresh ingredients gave me the impetus to actually use what I bought. I prepped some vegetables at the start of the week to eat throughout, and when I made rice, I made enough for four servings.
Monday - Gyoza and Edamame with Sesame Soy Sauce
I’m a firm believer that we should all have “emergency meals” in our freezer or pantry. Not for medical emergencies. (For that, please do call an ambulance.) I mean for when you return from a 12-hour travel day and want something quick and comforting. Gyoza was exactly that on Monday. I had everything already on hand so it gave me the comfort of takeout without the cost or decision fatigue.
Tuesday - Kuru Fasulye (Turkish white bean stew), Turkish rice, garlicky spinach, yogurt
Kuru fasulye is a comfort meal for us, and probably for most Turkish people: a white bean stew that only requires chopping three ingredients. It’s the kind of dish that feels delicious in a humble way. And humility is quiet, which felt fitting for this week. This shortcut version always hits the spot. Oh, and this Turkish rice dish is something I learned from my husband’s family. It’s nutty and buttery, and really, my favorite rice.
Kuru Fasulye recipe (I halved this)
I also batch prepped vegetables and potatoes on Tuesday. Here’s how:
Wednesday - Chicken thighs with Italian salsa verde, roasted broccoli, and potatoes
I’m not sure exactly what compelled me to make these crispy chicken thighs with salsa verde. I made chicken this way a few weeks ago and liked how it turned out, but felt it could use a little something extra. I’m glad Italian salsa verde came to mind. I’m definitely making this again next week.
Thursday - Shrimp a la Türka, Turkish rice, garlicky spinach
This is one of the only ways I enjoy shrimp. (I’m quite picky about seafood in general.) It was inspired by an amazing dish I had at a Greek restaurant a few years ago. However, my love of Turkish flavors has gotten the best of me, so my recreation of the dish has changed quite a bit since then. I’m almost there and will share the recipe soon!
Friday - Red pepper, caraway and honey chicken thighs, roasted broccoli, and potatoes
This is a riff on a honey harissa chicken dish I made a few times last fall. I never did get around to posting that recipe, now that I think of it. This version is made with red pepper paste (a Turkish pantry staple) instead of harissa paste and with fewer spices. I made this for lunch with my brother and he had a lot of nice things to say about it. 🙂
One last thought: I could tell you that I was able to cook every night because I kept things simple and easy. That would only be part of the truth though. The bigger picture is that I have gotten into the habit of cooking at home. Cooking is a habit, as much as it is a joy or a skill, and it carries me through when I don’t feel like being in the kitchen.
I’m curious, do you have the habit of cooking at home, or are you trying to get into it?
❤️ Until next week,
Leslie
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I really appreciate it. I’m so glad you’re here! 💞
It's nice to know that so many people deal with this issue, and that I'm not alone! Thanks for the recipe inspiration--everything looks delicious!
Ah, I struggle with this too. When I have no family to feed. I oscillate between 'fantastic, I can cook exactly what I want!' to 'what on earth *do* I want?!'
Thank you for sharing your weekly meals. Those chicken thighs with red pepper, caraway and honey are right up my street!